what would happen if I actually embraced this sentiment -

that I'm not from here.

and I'm not from there either.

that this land was and never will be mine or ours -

so what is belonging, really?

observing my immigrant mother,

who bravely moved here -

to see her, even, recognize that this is not the same place she sacrificed for -

and how weird it must feel for her, that the longing has shifted generations -

to see her child want to go all the way back actually, to step 1, to where she turned her back from and everything she knew, so badly -

what myths do we each hold about the promise of far away places?

I want to journey to find out.

to explore that brave curiosity, the same longing that brought me here -

the longing to NOT belong, and to know we have forever to belong, and STILL yearn and learn through it - to feel and move through that dissonance of clashing principles from past to present, and to gain the skill of teaching yourself to find a sense of home somewhere along the way.

In a unique time when Japan has physically closed it's borders to the west,

perhaps - the first time since 鎖国 sakoku and the culturally defining tokugawa period of 214 years of isolation -

with out the energy or focus on tourism

how is the culture shifting?

how is it shifting its gaze inward -

and can I go inward also?

what does it look like now when we can try to rehabilitate ourselves -

with out being watched (through tourism, anthropology, nihilism)?

and can I also rehabilitate, my grand country - as in my being, my home?

to realign with home not as a place but a deep knowing

to internally shift my gaze also from all the ways i've been taught

what instinctual ways of moving